Chapter Three - Catholicism - The Original Franchise

CHAPTER THREE

Catholicism - The Original Franchise

IF THE EARLY church was a startup, then Catholicism was the IPO.

We’ve gone from fishermen in sandals to bishops in robes.
From house churches to basilicas.
From letters scribbled on parchment to state-sanctioned doctrine with legal power.

This is the moment Christianity stopped being the underdog.

Because when Rome got involved, everything changed.

In 312 CE, a Roman general named Constantine claimed he saw a vision before battle:

“In this sign, conquer.”

The sign? A cross.
The battle? Milvian Bridge.
The result? Victory.

A year later, he issued the Edict of Milan, which made Christianity more chill across the empire.
No more catacombs. No more executions.
Suddenly, being Christian was cool. Strategic. Profitable, even.

And Constantine?

He got baptized on his deathbed.
(Which is the most power-player move of all time, if you think about it: live your life, then cash in the sins at the buzzer.)

With freedom came a new problem: too many opinions.
Who was Jesus really?
Was he fully divine? Half divine? Adopted by God?
Could he be eternal if he was born?
Was the Trinity just a poetic metaphor?

Christians couldn’t agree and Constantine didn’t like civil unrest.

So in 325 CE, he called the first empire-wide theological summit: The Council of Nicaea.

Imagine 300 bishops arguing over metaphysics in togas and sandals while an emperor impatiently watches.

By the end, they voted.
Arius (who said Jesus wasn’t eternal) got dunked on.
The winning side wrote the Nicene Creed, a defining statement of faith.

And just like that, the Roman state helped codify Christian doctrine.

Church and empire: now officially in business together.

At first, every major city had a bishop.
Rome, Alexandria, Antioch, Jerusalem, all respected.

But over time, the Bishop of Rome claimed special authority.
Why?

Two words: Apostolic Succession.

The claim was:

“Peter was the first bishop of Rome. Jesus called Peter the rock. That makes us the head honcho.”

And to be fair… it worked.

By the 6th century, the Bishop of Rome was increasingly being called ‘Papa,’ a title that would later become exclusive to the pope.
And by the Middle Ages, the pope wasn’t just a religious leader, he was a kingmaker.
He crowned emperors. He called crusades. He could excommunicate entire nations.

Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world.”
But the pope?
His definitely was.

As Catholicism grew, so did the structure.

Seven Sacraments were established (like baptism, communion, confession, etc.).
Saints became spiritual role models and divine messengers.
Relics like bones, robes, and even body parts of saints were collected and venerated.
Latin became the official language of the Church (even though no one but the clergy understood it).
Monasteries preserved knowledge, copied texts, and brewed the occasional heavenly brewski.

Everything was hierarchical, ritualized, and tied to the church calendar.

You weren’t just a believer now.
You were a member of the system.

With power came… academic flexing.

Medieval Catholic thinkers like Augustine, Aquinas, and Anselm built theological skyscrapers out of logic and scripture.

Can God make a rock so heavy He can’t lift it?
Is salvation by grace alone or infused through works?
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

Meanwhile, heretics were being burned, books were being banned, and every question had to be run through Rome for approval.

If you tried to read the Bible for yourself in your own language?

Good luck not getting excommunicated (or worse).

Because at this point, the Bible wasn’t yours.
It belonged to the Church.

Eventually, a new problem emerged: funding.

Cathedrals weren’t cheap. Armies needed paying.
So the Church started selling indulgences, essentially "get out of sin faster" cards for you or your dead relatives.

Give the church money, and shave some time off your trip through Purgatory.

Spiritually shaky? Absolutely.
Financially genius? No doubt.

This system would go on for centuries…
Until a German monk decided he’d had enough.

Catholicism wasn’t just the first major form of Christianity.
It was the only form in Western Europe for nearly 1,000 years.

It created the cathedral model, the clerical hierarchy, the sacred rituals, the centralized authority, and the image of Christianity that would dominate Western culture.

For better or worse, it became the blueprint.
And every future split was either trying to reform it, escape it, or recreate it with tweaks.

It’s not perfect.
It’s not pure.
But it is the root of the Western Christian tree.

And in 1054?

That tree would split down the middle.